Mommy Moments

I'll admit, I've not written too many words here that delve into the "real" side of motherhood. It's in part due to the fact that this blog started as a place solely for me, a way to document all of the things I loved. I'm a huge sucker for diaries of any sort, so a web journal sounded exhilarating, as I could unleash my creative side in a way I had never before and then best of all, some would actually find it interesting enough to read. I've recently added a few more personal letters to my boys, just to give you more of a glimpse into our lives and selfishly too, a place for me to look back later and see how my guys were changing and growing. "Lovelies" is dedicated more than anything else to the artistic side of life, the beauties that keep us inspired.  

But lately I've been thinking a little more about writing about some of the tougher stuff, the stuff that I've steered clear of because of conflicting feelings there - should I keep this light hearted, a place to escape from the daily grind? I needed that and I just wasn't sure if I should serious things up too much. Plus, this is not easy for me, sharing my struggles in mothering, my downfalls, even my faith. I have to really think about what I want to say, you know? The words don't just pour out of me and land effortlessly onto this keyboard. So, it would involve a little more dedicated time on my part. 

But with the amount of jerks I've had in that direction lately, I think I might give this a try. Perhaps start sharing some of my real life moments with you, both tender and difficult. Being a mom is so hard sometimes and there is so much self doubt on a daily basis. Really, there's plenty to write about. But who wants to share how useless they feel, especially when those feelings are strongest. Not me! It's much easier to not talk about (plus I know there are those that don't want to see too many words when they visit. I myself often skip over all the writing when I visit blogs, not up for all the wordage, you know?). Well here's a whole heap of words for you to read! Happy skimming to some. :)

I think one of the most difficult struggles I deal with on a daily basis, as far as parenting is concerned, is the constant ebb and flow of discipline and all it's intricacies and mysteries. I have 3 completely different boys and each has his own shining star quality and head ache inducing flaw. I've been really lucky with little E; he really is an angel (I turn around to see him walking circles in the kitchen with his hands tucked into the back of his diaper - haha). Yes, I know, he's only just almost 2 and things can and probably will change dramatically soon enough. 

P and M are another story .... but it's to be expected right? Every child has their issues and every parent learns how to best deal with and discipline their children. 

We're all in the same boat ...

though some parents seem to have it so incredibly together, 7 kids walking quietly behind them (their ducks in a row) with happy smiles on their faces. While I know I could learn so much from those moms, I often feel even more completely useless when I see their apparent success. "What am I doing wrong?" plagues my mind on a regular basis. 

I know I need to chill, that we all need to chill. We're doing a wonderful job with our little ones, the best we can. If we care at all about this, it likely means we're actually in the very midst of a "season of discipline" and are getting the job done, forming that backbone of ground rules for our kids and helping them get to that point where they finally understand the rules and actually stop crossing the lines (this is where some of you veteran moms give me a knowing smile - "yeah, good luck with that" right?) We all need to continue doing what we're doing, to be consistent with it, and just chill out. 

I feel like I have a good handle on my eldest, a child who prefers to take life smoothly, never caring to really tip the boat (though it does take a good plunge into the water every so often). And I have a middle child who, while he can put the biggest smile on my face, can also cause me to utter the most passionate of reprimands (the kind you often regret later). He likes to tip toe, no dance - and b-boy at that! - on that line we draw and do airborne somersaults off of it, a big smile on his shining face, determined to have fun and lots of it, at all costs. But it's not a constant with him which can make it tricky for me, especially when we finally getting to that sweet spot where we feel like we've accomplished something magnificent and then ... back we go (I suppose that's not a bad thing, the fact that it's not constant). It's just not a good feeling when one child is reprimanded more often than the others, at least not for me. It makes me feel sorry for them and I wonder if they'll somehow feel less loved ... and that can't be good. I'm supposed to stay strong! I'm not a pushover! I will persevere and raise boys who are amazing individuals and feel equally loved. 

Sheesh! It's obviously not an easy thing for me ... for anyone. But we do make progress and I hope to one day we'll feel great achievement in these endeavors. I realize that when they're preteens and then (shockingly) teens, it will be a whole new set of shrieks for me to share. 

                 Our goal is that we'll raise boys who are God-loving, well-mannered, joyful, respectful, compassionate young men. 

Of all the things that my kids have taught me, especially of late, the one that I appreciate most of all is their true demonstration of what the Bible calls a "child-like faith". I see this on a daily basis; I hear it in their prayers. It has been impressing me and moving me - the way they pray, the way they believe - soul stirring stuff, you know? It's a great responsibility to teach them about God and to answer all of those complicated questions they bring my way (did I ask my parents the same things? - they're all so valid). But they have faith and they believe despite their impossible questions, some of which I am not always able to answer clearly (the latest - "Did God create mosquitos?" "Why?" haha!). 

I want to be the same. Without doubt in God's whereabouts, knowing He is always there, always listening to me, protecting my family, loving us, blessing us with so much. Now, as a grown up, I see the world differently and my heart deals with issues it never had to before (this is where sickness really comes into play for me and that struggle our family has had with skin, of all things. It brings us to God with some really burning questions). But I know that 

I need to have faith like a child. 

My children are actually helping me to draw even closer to God! An incredible accomplishment.